I keep reminding myself that this will be the last time that I carry a child inside me and that I need to enjoy every second, but the constant wriggling around leaves me feeling battered and bruised and topping that with simply delightful heartburn/acid reflux, I'm just not really feeling the love at the moment. Love for baby of course but no love for mommy. I feel a bit pathetic actually. I naively thought that the worst thing that could happen to me second time around was that the morning sickness would be worse and having had SPD and sciatica, I knew I could deal with that if I got it again. Clearly slightly delusional in that regard.
I didn't even get morning sickness this time but instead I am getting to spend the majority of my time trying not to bend over so that I can avoid that sickly feeling in my throat. I sleep sitting up and have a stash of Gaviscon (note to self...buy shares in Reckitt Benckiser/Gaviscon) in my office, at my bed and in my handbag. I'm also five years older, with a four year old and a different job and working for myself which just leaves me feeling rather shattered at the end of the day, hence the lack of blogging and general creativeness.
The past week sent me into a bit of a free fall when a friend of mine who is just over a month ahead of me went into false labour. There was the sudden realisation that 'oh, shit, I'm going to have a baby!'. Yes, I wanted a second child and now I'm going to actually, physically have one. We aren't talking about it anymore and there isn't any reversing of the process!
It's a reality where we are going to have sleepless nights and dirty nappies and baby sick and crying in the house once more...but do I really remember how to deal with all of that?! I hold newborns now so gingerly as I feel like I am going to break them because of their tiny size and the fact that they are so 'new'. It must be like riding a bike where once you've done it, you never forget how to do it even years later. It is like that, isn't it?
So all of this prompted me to go to the library and take out a few books on things like being a mom to boys and being pregnant with your second child. It was also to calm myself a bit because I'm actually a bit nervous about the birth this time whereas last time I didn't know what to expect so had nothing to compare it to. The only book I had with my first was 'What to Expect When you are Expecting' which I gave to my sister. I didn't think that I needed to read about something that was just so natural.
Now that I'm contemplating and possibly thinking about a hospital bag it could be a good time to see who will look after my daughter when the time eventually comes. I've had offers from friends but need something more concrete which is hard when you only have one set of family (in-laws) living in the same country who work full time and don't drive a car. It's times like these when I really miss having my mom around to share these things with me and also to rely on her to just be there for everything and anything. She doesn't taken any nonsense, is great in a crisis and would literally sort out my whole house blind folded leaving me just to concentrate on what I need to do.
Oh well, hopefully I'll get my act together some time in the next few weeks. I know you can only plan so much of it and that things don't always go according to plan anyway but it could be a very interesting event if I don't have some of the basics covered!