When the fog lifts

I've been meeting a therapist via Zoom for the past few weeks who has been helping me talk about my father's death and to put it all into perspective.  Her calming approach and genuine desire to help (not all therapists are born equal!), really caught me off guard.  I've seen therapists before who didn't probe enough into the real underlying issue and left me no better off than where I was at the start.   I have begun to make time to focus purely on myself, trying to understand and put into words what it is that I am actually feeling and look back to when this cloud wasn't hovering over me.  I've also started to allow myself to feel and allow emotions to flood back in, which I've been absolutely terrified of doing.  So much so that my body freezes at the thought and I would catch myself holding my breath. Isolating this has been a very big worry as it's been such a muddle in my head for so many years that when I finally pinned it down, I heard an audible

The Upward Turn

Today feels different.  I feel different.  For the first time since Dad passed away, I've woken up feeling refreshed, energised and really happy.  A little bit excited for the day, possibly.  Something has changed within me and it the sense of freedom I am feeling is overwhelming. My sleep routine was the same; no alcohol the night before, in bed at a good time, alarm set for the morning and then white noise playing in the background while I meditate on the day.  It's in my nature to try and analyse the situation, but I think I'm just going to start to accept that sometimes things just are.` Time is moving at a normal pace again.  Life is good.

Home Schooling Day 1: The Release of the Memes

  It has begun!  The memes are circulating on every conceivable social media platform as well as the 1,000,000 WhatsApp groups you belong to but can't remember asking to be added to and don't know what it's actually for.  Most people generally stay in these groups so as not to be seen as "the one that removed themselves".  God forbid you actually have the balls to stand up to the madness of it all.  I highly recommend muting the latter for 8 hours or for all of eternity if you want to retain even an inch of sanity. I have to say though, I am in awe of the staff at my children's school.  They have put together a home schooling schedule in essentially a day and it's actually realistic and achievable for working parents.  I definitely breathed a gentle sigh of relief when I saw the updates come through on Seesaw and Google Classrooms after spending a night of fretful sleep and teeth grinding in anticipation of a military style learning schedule having to be i

Lockdown v3: 2021 Winter Showdown

As I sit in my freshly decorated bedroom which is rather more Zen than the previous shade of blue.  I can happily report that all living creatures (5 x dwarf hamsters and plants included) have managed to survive the first day of pre-lockdown lockdown.  School timetables have been sent out, the kids know what they are doing and I can crack on with work as usual.  Childcare and support bubbles are still in place with my food order all ready and set for Monday.  I think that it's actually going to be alright.  I even have pasta, hand soap and loo roll!  Absolutely winning! A completely "Dry January" may not be wholly on the cards as I will have to toast to my Mom on her birthday, although I guess this could be of the non-boozy variety.  With new coping mechanisms and a better structure in play than when the Government first attempted to keep people indoors, I'm filled with a bit of hope that we might come through this sooner rather than later.  Hardly about to start plac

This f*cking sucks. That's it. Plain and simple.

Christmas was a bit of a shitter this year.  Covid took my Dad from me just six days after being admitted to hospital.  He was fine on the Thursday before, and gone on the Thursday after.   Even typing this makes me want to be physically sick.  The thought of him slowly bubbles up from somewhere deep down in my belly, crashing from side to side as it fumbles its way to the surface.  My body instinctively stiffing as my brain causes me to jolt and recoil, thrusting any idea of him actually being dead back to the dark place that hoards the thoughts and memories that I don't want to entertain.  I can't do it just yet.  I will one day, just not yet. My Dad adored my Mom.  The relationship that they had was the most beautiful story of love and devotion that I've ever known.  Of course they had their human moments amongst it all; everyone has feelings and to be happy and bouncing off the walls 24 hours a day is somewhat insane.  I've watched The Notebook more times than I car

When the Time is Right for You

When changing career and getting divorced in the same year, one of an absolute multitude of things can happen.  You can thrive and never look back.  You can thrive but live with a bit of regret.  You can feel utter despair and regret but at the same time feel short term happiness, like when you stick your hand into a winter coat and pull out a tenner.   With most things in life, the combination of emotions is absolutely limitless but at every point, that is where you are in that moment. You sometimes have to accept it, plain and simple.  What happens next is totally up to you, whether you are happy with the situation you are in or if you actually need, want or have a burning desire to change your future and the environment that you are in.    Looking back now, there are an astounding number of small events that I would alter but even then, they have made me into the person I am today.  I'm not back to the (kind and respectful) ball breaker that I used to be and I am totally aware o

Nothing quite like a five year absence

Earlier this week I was asked why I had stopped Blogging?  There are a number of reasons, to be honest, all of which seem extremely trivial right now given everything that's happened in my life and in the world between October 2015 and September 2020. Writing gave me the freedom to express myself in a way that I hadn't been able to for many, many years.  Just as I could get lost in stories created by some of my favourite author, the words and imagery that they created, sweeping me off from my own reality and making me feel their every thought and emotion as if they were my own; this is what writing was to me. Here is a brief rundown of the last five years... 2015   - to be fair, it's pretty much a blur. - youngest was 1, oldest was 5.  Working full time and trying to be a Mom, Wife and run a business and run a home. School. Nursery.  Night feeds, nappies, tantrums, different needs, parties, work highs, work lows, social events, being normal, pretending like everything was f