This f*cking sucks. That's it. Plain and simple.

Christmas was a bit of a shitter this year.  Covid took my Dad from me just six days after being admitted to hospital.  He was fine on the Thursday before, and gone on the Thursday after.   Even typing this makes me want to be physically sick.  The thought of him slowly bubbles up from somewhere deep down in my belly, crashing from side to side as it fumbles its way to the surface.  My body instinctively stiffing as my brain causes me to jolt and recoil, thrusting any idea of him actually being dead back to the dark place that hoards the thoughts and memories that I don't want to entertain.  I can't do it just yet.  I will one day, just not yet.

My Dad adored my Mom.  The relationship that they had was the most beautiful story of love and devotion that I've ever known.  Of course they had their human moments amongst it all; everyone has feelings and to be happy and bouncing off the walls 24 hours a day is somewhat insane.  I've watched The Notebook more times than I care to imagine and they have nothing on my parents.  Kudos to anyone that is, but I digress...

My Mom adored my Dad.  A part of her has been taken that can never be replaced.  I know that she is surrounded by friends who can support her (from a distance), but there will always be this void from the larger than life space occupied by him.  My chest feels like it's being clawed at just trying to put myself in my Mom's shoes for one minute as its a love that I am yet to understand, although I've had a glimpse of it once.

We are now about to go into Tier 5 lockdown here in the U.K. due to the fact that this virus is starting to thrive on human misery.   I'm not overly joyed at the idea of homeschooling, but I've done that before.  I moaned about it enough the last time and made a mental list of all the things I'd do differently, so I just need to actually put everything into place and carry on.

I hope and pray that people can just stick to the rules this time.  The idea of being stuck in this constant loop of a shimmer of hope followed by tumbling over your laces onto gravel just isn't doing it for me any longer.