Nothing quite like a five year absence

Earlier this week I was asked why I had stopped Blogging?  There are a number of reasons, to be honest, all of which seem extremely trivial right now given everything that's happened in my life and in the world between October 2015 and September 2020.

Writing gave me the freedom to express myself in a way that I hadn't been able to for many, many years.  Just as I could get lost in stories created by some of my favourite author, the words and imagery that they created, sweeping me off from my own reality and making me feel their every thought and emotion as if they were my own; this is what writing was to me.

Here is a brief rundown of the last five years...

2015 

- to be fair, it's pretty much a blur.

- youngest was 1, oldest was 5.  Working full time and trying to be a Mom, Wife and run a business and run a home. School. Nursery.  Night feeds, nappies, tantrums, different needs, parties, work highs, work lows, social events, being normal, pretending like everything was fine. Blah, blah, blah.

2016

- Husband flew off mountain bike and shattered both elbows.  Had to feed him for three days.  Couldn't drive for 4/6 weeks.  That was fun

- Mother-in-law fell in town in May. Found lump in chest (lung cancer).  Passed away 6 months later.

- Cat (Snickers) had to be put to sleep.  Terrible problems with stomach, etc. that couldn't be cured by medication or surgery.  That just added insult to injury and my heart broke even further that day.

- Not the most fun year of my life.

2017

- Sold house and moved somewhere bigger.  Was lovely to have a garden of our own and for the kids to have more space.

- Expanded and invested in the business.

- Made the decision to listen to my head and heart and start the path for a career change in Financial Services.

2018

- This is where the true fun starts...  

- Marriage started to break down even further.  In truth, it should have ended just before my 30th birthday if I had actually had the balls to get out of it and not just bitten my tongue and lived a lie.

Word of advice... if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't right.  Also, even though some says it's your fault, sometimes it honestly isn't.

2019

- Husband moves out.

- Tried dating but wasn't ready.

- Started retraining for new career.  Met some amazing people who I will call life long friends.

- Upped anxiety meds and took beta blockers to cope with the changes.

- Tried getting back together with husband (thought I still loved him and he could change and we could change) but he'd moved on and didn't want to and let me know by text message.  This was after I'd once again "not shown him attention" after spending an amazing four days in Portugal with a friend I'd known since I was 21 and not seen in 16 years.  Real hero move. that one.

- Mentally destroyed even though I'd spent years being gaslighted and still wanted to be with the man.  #stupidwomanalert

- 2019 had equal highs and lows, but still sucked a bit.

2020

- Started new career.

- Covid-19 started to spread throughout the world and caused and continues to create utter devastation.

- Went to Spain in March.  Got Covid.  10 days spent completely on my own, barely being able to breath at points but not bad enough to go to hospital.  Have to use an inhaler now most days to help with shortness of breath and tight chest.

- Stupidly stopped all anxiety medication.

- Found out who my true friends were.

- Mental struggle with being alone when not with kids and not having anyone around due to social distancing.

- Trying to make a dent in career but struggling with drive and motivation and felt really low.

THEN...

- Decided to focus on me and being the best Mom I can.

- Decided to get help and find mechanisms to change my way of thinking; to find the old me that loved to write, that was more confident and outgoing without having to be forced.

So, here I am.  Trying things one day at a time, not hiding from my past and not being a victim of it either.  No two divorces are made equal, that's for bloody sure.  Some people might think it's a shame that it happened, but no one truly knows what goes on behind closed doors, and those doors are now shut.

Onwards, and upwards and on to happier moments and new memories.

Ax